I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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