No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
