I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
You're a waste of cheezeits
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize
