Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
