My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
