I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize