Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
My bed smells like the plague
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
