k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
