You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
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