she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
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