I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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