her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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