u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
