I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
