I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
