woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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