blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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