How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
