Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I CAN MOONWALK!
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
