god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
