Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Randomize
