I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
