He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize