I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
