they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
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