i used baking grease as lip gloss
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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