So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
