What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
