Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
