Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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