When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
