I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
We talked him into tasing himself.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
