I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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