DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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