Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize