He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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