How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
