I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
