Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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