the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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