He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
So many bounce houses so little time
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
