you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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