I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
