He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
