there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
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