I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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