I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
