Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
