how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I wish there were birth control emojis
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
