Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
