They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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