if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
