how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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