i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize