There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
