Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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