It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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